Just a little something from 2008

I feel a need to write

As if I am unsettled

Yes, it is so...

I am at a crossroads

Grasping to my youth

At the same time

Awaiting my arrival into adulthood

At almost 27, this seems as if it has been postponed

Ten years ago I thought I was an adult

And have thought that this whole time

I've made adult decisions

Somehow I always manage to fall and need helped back up

I feel ashamed

Because I am not good enough to do it all on my own

And jealous of those who can 

I feel as if I am faulted, though

Because I know I am a strong, confident woman

So... my insecurities lash out... Why?

Am I really afraid of rejection?

Why?

I am so scared when I don't know the "how"

I want to let go of all of this negative

But I have to continue to make choices

I feel guilt

I want to overcome

I want to be wanted undeniably

Feel the strength and support of another's love encourage me

What is so wrong with that?

Why am I sad?

Memory of a Color

The color of twilight has always had an impression on me.  It is not just a color, but a moment in time that can be of serious aid in composing the most beautiful photographs.  Often I am not lugging my camera around and have to make mental note of the pictures that I feel would be most beautiful, but not captured.  This was the case early one morning when driving from La Selva beach with my friend Tiffani back to my previous home where she and her boyfriend were staying while looking for a new house.  Her boyfriend Zach had a gig at a party that was happening at La Selva and it looked like he was going to be playing a next-day kind of set.  She had to work the next day and wanted to sleep, so we left Zach at the party, because despite not wanting to wait around for the gig, he did want to play as well as earn money for a haircut and a burrito (so he said).  When we were driving on Hwy 1, there is a down-slope near the Bay Ave/Porter exit which is kind of in between Santa Cruz County.  I will never forget the color of the sky at that moment.  It was about 5 or 6 am in August and the sky was a brilliant blue green color, the color that reminds me of Lake Tahoe when you drive through South Lake and get a peek at the lake and it's different shades based on the different temperatures/depths.  I can also remember the emotion associated with this experience, of Tiffani leaving Zach there, feeling guilty knowing that he was going to have to find his own way back... but also of us being pretty bored at the party, over it and just all around ready to go home... When we came down Hwy 1 all of the sudden it was so intense, beautiful and the moment made me remember that I was alive.  (Sometimes you forget...) Every time I drive past this exit I revert back to this moment and in my mind, the sky becomes that same color it once was, no matter what color it actually is.  When we got home that "twighlight" morning, my husband was still awake, working on music.  I was happy to see that he was awake and able to revel in the moment with me, noticing the color of the sky during sunrise.  Sunrise happens every day, but often we are not awake to notice.  These days, when I am awake at that time, I always try to make sure to snap a photo to document the sky and the colors associated with that moment... and try to remember to be mindful and thankful for being alive.